What is the worst thing you've ever done? Are you sorry? Why do we feel sorry anyways? Should we listen to our consciences? This week's readings offer the answers. The 2nd Reading, Psalms, and Gospel are after the commentary.
Reading 1
Acts 22:3-16
Paul addressed the people in these words:
"I am a Jew, born in Tarsus in Cilicia,
but brought up in this city.
At the feet of Gamaliel I was educated strictly in our ancestral law
and was zealous for God, just as all of you are today.
I persecuted this Way to death,
binding both men and women and delivering them to prison.
Even the high priest and the whole council of elders
can testify on my behalf.
For from them I even received letters to the brothers
and set out for Damascus to bring back to Jerusalem
in chains for punishment those there as well.
"On that journey as I drew near to Damascus,
about noon a great light from the sky suddenly shone around me.
I fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to me,
'Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?'
I replied, 'Who are you, sir?'
And he said to me,
'I am Jesus the Nazorean whom you are persecuting.'
My companions saw the light
but did not hear the voice of the one who spoke to me.
I asked, 'What shall I do, sir?'
The Lord answered me, 'Get up and go into Damascus,
and there you will be told about everything
appointed for you to do.'
Since I could see nothing because of the brightness of that light,
I was led by hand by my companions and entered Damascus.
"A certain Ananias, a devout observer of the law,
and highly spoken of by all the Jews who lived there,
came to me and stood there and said,
'Saul, my brother, regain your sight.'
And at that very moment I regained my sight and saw him.
Then he said,
'The God of our ancestors designated you to now his will,
to see the Righteous One, and to hear the sound of his voice;
for you will be his witness before all
to what you have seen and heard.
Now, why delay?
Get up and have yourself baptized and your sins washed away,
calling upon his name.'"
Conversion
Paul's conversion is a clear picture of conversion for all people. Although most of us have not been knocked off our feet by a bright light, many of us have experienced conversion. Part of conversion is being convinced that we have sinned. It can be painful. Yet in conversion, God convinces us that our consciences were right all along. In conversion, God shows us the ugly reality of our own sinfulness, and this an act of God to show us the truth. This "sting of conscience" is an act of love by God with the intention of drawing us back to him.
I suspect these thoughts ran through Paul's head after he saw the light and heard Jesus speak:
* This Jesus is Lord, he can appear as light and he has the power to blind me. He is all-powerful
* Jesus made an effort to speak to me, he must care about me to speak to me in such a personal way
* I persecuted this Jesus. I killed his people. Why did he not destroy me? Is it because he loves me?
An encounter with God always seems to be accompanied with a GIGANTIC feeling of love. Knowing this, I imagine how Paul felt.
How did Paul feel when he heard the loving voice of Jesus and stood in the holy presence of God? It must have been very hard to be in Jesus' loving presence and hear him ask the conscience-stinging question "why are you persecuting me?" Notice that Jesus says, "me" here. If Paul felt the love and greatness of God in this moment, and I believe he did, it must have hurt deeply when Paul realized that he was hurting God with his actions. Paul thought that he was HELPING God by killing Christians. By asking "why are you persecuting ME?", Jesus was telling Paul that when Paul persecuted Jesus' Church and his people, Paul was persecuting Jesus himself.
After Paul saw this light, he was blind for 3 days. I think that God made Paul blind to remind Paul that Paul had to rely on God for EVERYTHING- including eyesight. This blindness was a strong message to Paul that God was almighty and Paul needed to rely on God alone. Paul was lead by hand to Damascus. He had days to think about God and his experience. Paul neither ate nor drank during this period, which indicates that he was probably engrossed in his supernatural experience of Jesus such that he thought of nothing else.
Persecuting Jesus
We can see here that Jesus wanted Paul to know that a persecution of Jesus' people was a persecution of Jesus himself. As Catholics, we believe that "sin is an offense against God." "Sin sets itself against God's love for us and turns our hearts away from God's love. Sin is thus love of oneself even to contempt of God."1 The Catechism says that "when we deny him (Jesus) by our deeds, we in some way seem to lay violent hands on him.2 Paul heard this truth from the mouth of Jesus himself. Jesus speaks these words to us as well. As we sin, we hurt Jesus. When we lie to one another, Jesus wants to know "why are you persecuting me?" When we commit sexual sin, Jesus asks, "why are you persecuting me?" When we hoard our money and resources in greed, Jesus asks "why are you persecuting me?"
The Catechism says that "conversion is first of all a work of the grace of God who makes our hearts return to him."3 Conversion is a gift from God! Conversion is God nudging us towards him! To feel guilt for our sins is a present from God! It is a gift similar to the pain we feel when we touch a hot frying pan. If it didn't hurt, we might leave our hands on the frying pan forever until our hands melted! God doesn't want our sin to "melt" us, and that's why it is a grace when our consciences feel sorry for sin.
So why did Paul stop killing Christians? He realized it was wrong! He felt the same sting of conscience that we all feel when we do wrong (sin). Paul had been persecuting Christians for a while and he stopped cold turkey because he realized that he was persecuting God. So Paul experienced deep sorrow (repentance). "Interior repentance is a radical reorientation of our whole life, a return, a conversion to God with all our heart, an end of sin, a turning away from evil, with repugnance toward the evil actions we have committed. At the same time it entails the desire and resolution to change one's life, with hope in God's mercy and trust in the help of his grace."4 This definition of deep interior sorrow from the Catechism describes Paul's conversion very accurately. Paul certainly had the "desire and resolution to change his life". Even better, Paul didn't wait long to change.
No Time For Delay
Acts 9:20 says that Paul "began at once to proclaim Jesus in the synagogues." Perhaps this was in response to Ananias' words from the 1st reading: "Now why delay?" In the 2nd Reading this week, Paul says, "I tell you brothers and sisters, time is running out."
The Devil wants us to delay our conversion. In C.S. Lewis' book the Screwtape Letters, a senior demon teaches his nephew that it's hard to disrupt Christianity by discrediting Jesus, or trying to convince Christians that the devil is more powerful than Jesus. The 2 demons decided that the most effective way to disrupt Christianity was to make Christians think that "Jesus is okay, but there's time aplenty to follow him later on. There is absolutely no rush." The devil's deceitful message when we are on the verge of conversion is that we can don't have to change today, but rather tomorrow.
Paul did not fall for this trap, he made a decision immediately to "change his life, with with hope in God's mercy and trust in the help of his grace." Let's remember this the next time we commit a sin and feel God-given sorrow about it. Instead of waiting for tomorrow to quit our sin, we must stop our sin now.
In summary, let's remember that conscience and sorrow for sin is a gift from God and a call to him. Each time we feel sorrow for sin, we must realize that this an invitation to come to God and to change our lives immediately, relying on help from God always.
Real Life
I've told this story before, but it is so closely tied to this week's readings, so here it is for those of you have not heard it before.
In November of 2006, I went on a mission trip (my first ever) to minister to the poor people of Juarez, Mexico. I was living your average American life and thought to myself, "why not do some mission work?" because I had time off of work. Here is the most powerful incident that happened to me during my visit- I wrote about it the same day it all happened:
"So, we pulled up to the first house and it was a rotten, wood shack. The street outside was dirty and falling apart. The house was about 10 square feet at most and the neighborhood was the worst-looking one I have ever seen. Anyhow, I was not scared, but I was a little bit intimidated as I and Jim (another volunteer, age 60) walked up to the creeky, wooden gate which was falling apart. You had to slither your way through the gate because it would not open the whole way up and it was covered with rusty nails and was completely dangerous.
Jim and I squeezed in and were greeted by a very HAPPY, pleasant old lady. Her face was beaming with enthusiasm and joy as she saw us approaching. I had a huge bag over my shoulder full of vegetables and food.
She greeted us both in Spanish and I quietly smiled. "Passe" she said as she smiled again. I guess that means "come in" because I heard a lot of people say it to me today. She is one of the smallest ladies I have ever seen. She is very skinny, has white hair, dirty clothes, and a distorted face. One of her eyes looks like it has glaucoma. I was afraid of hugging her too hard because she looked about as frail as a dried up cracker.
The house was actually too small FOR HER! I had to duck to get in and once I got in this dark house, I had to duck in order to enter the "bedroom". THe house consisted of the "kitchen" as soon as you walk in and a bedroom. I can't remember what teh floor looked like, but it wasn't pretty. Once we ducked in, we were also greeted by another younger woman probably in her 30's. She looked much healthier than the older woman. She greeted us with a smile.
I could see in the tiny bedroom that there was a girl lying in bed. SHe was probably about 11 years old and she was taking a nap. She woke up and joined us, but she was not smiling. She looked sad.
Before I knew it, we all ducked into the tiny, dark, dirty bedroom and joined hands. Jim started to say a prayer in Spanish. All the while, the 2 women were praying along with him and I stood right across from the little girl.
The situation looked absolutely desperate to me. I dont know why the young girl was at the house, but it had occurred to me that she couldn't afford to go to middle school. Millions of thoughts and feelings began to run through my mind and my body:
* God will save these peoplr
* this house is in terrible shape
* how do these people continue to live?
* who will save these people?
* how long will the old woman live?
* praise God, we are trying
* I am partly responsible for these people's poverty, because I have given VERY LITTLE to the poor since I turned 18.
As our hands were joined, we were united for a moment. We all were asking for the same things. We all wanted good health, enough food, happiness, and mercy for us all and I knew that God heard every word that we uttered and every thought running through our minds. I looked down at my shoes and I could see my own tear drops on them. At this point, the tears were streaming down my face. I felt so bad for teh little girl and the old woman. I was the only one crying I guess because it was my first time in one of their homes. I was afraid taht I would make the little girl even sadder if she saw me crying, but there was no stopping it at this point."
Okay, fast-forward to present day April 2008. I look back at this memory and can see quite clearly what happened to me on that day. God spoke to me while I was in Rumalda's house. He said, "Hey, I love you. I love these poor people. I am love. Can you see that? Do you see the light that I am?" Yes, I saw the light that was God. 2 things were revealed to me:
* God is love. That is who he is.
* In the light, I glanced at myself and could see my own sinfulness. I could see the pettiness of my life. My life suddenly looked ridiculous. My desire for a flat-panel television looked ridiculous! But God did not show himself to me in a mean way. Truly, it was loving because he wants me to know the truth about him, my life, and the reality of this world.
God loves us!
1- Catechism of the Catholic Church 1850
2- CCC 598
3- CCC 1432
4- CCC 1431
Responsorial Psalm
Ps 117:1bc, 2
R. (Mark 16:15) Go out to all the world and tell the Good News.
or:
R. Alleluia, alleluia.
Praise the Lord, all you nations;
glorify him, all you peoples!
R. Go out to all the world, and tell the Good News.
or:
R. Alleluia, alleluia.
For steadfast is his kindness toward us,
and the fidelity of the Lord endures forever.
R. Go out to all the world, and tell the Good News.
or:
R. Alleluia, alleluia.
Reading II
1 Cor 7:29-31
I tell you, brothers and sisters, the time is running out.
From now on, let those having wives act as not having them,
those weeping as not weeping,
those rejoicing as not rejoicing,
those buying as not owning,
those using the world as not using it fully.
For the world in its present form is passing away.
Gospel
Mk 16:15-18
Jesus appeared to the Eleven and said to them:
"Go into the whole world
and proclaim the Gospel to every creature.
Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved;
whoever does not believe will be condemned.
These signs will accompany those who believe:
in my name they will drive out demons,
they will speak new languages.
They will pick up serpents with their hands,
and if they drink any deadly thing, it will not harm them.
They will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover."
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